Ah more email from corporate H.R. guy…
RE: Company Weekend Suggestions.
So what does anyone want to do for the company outing this spring? All comments and suggestions will be considered. Please note that at this time hourly employees are not being polled for input.
The executive committee has determined that directors should have the ability alone to determine what is best for moral in their department(s).
Currently Barbra Chunkily has suggested the company rent tent space at Long River Canoes, Camping and RV world in Cedar Springs.
Please get together and decide by C.O.B. Friday.
H.R. Guy whose name I still don’t care to remember.
So what does that mean?
One: the company is going to spend tons of cash on renting tent and RV space at Long River because Barbra and her husband own that back alley dump and because “Barbie” is the daughter of our Board Chairman.
Two: I will spend the next few weeks restoring emails that never existed and deleting ones that did. Wait- back up, reverse that… You get the picture.
Three: Lyn is going camping with her kids and my departments newest employees.
Every year these caring and sharing weekend outings – meant to build team/corporate spirit; end up as huge disasters. They are almost always scheduled on a weekend when the majority of our divorced workers have visitation rights. People who spend an alarming amount of time avoiding each other in the work place are suddenly forced to spend every waken hour together for two days. Tempers flair and management gets blamed for not “accomplishing” any of the set objectives – outlined in the “Weekend Guide”. Printed and delivered to everyone’s desk personally by the friendly Human Resource staff, and then immediately transferred to the circle file under the desk.
Most employees cringe at the thought of not being able to miss this “Fun filled weekend of skill building and relaxing”. In fact, my old boss used to pay me $200 for a viable excuse. But I think that my department may just be up to the task and make this an unforgettable weekend for everyone in the company.
On second thought I know this will be the weekend to beat all weekends.
It’s now 2:00 p.m. and time for the department’s weekly meeting. This should be fun. My door opens and in walks Lyn followed by Daryl and his other brother Daryl. I notice that Lyn’s right eye lid is twitching and she has an ever so slight scowl on her face. Lyn takes a seat at the table across from my desk and the two dim wits she hired stumble over each other trying to get the only chair that doesn’t face my desk. The ops and development managers sit on the couch next to the windows.
At this point I should let you know that Lyn is the companies official Systems Administrator. I was a little reprehensive about giving her my old position, but after the wonderful job she did with the auditors last year – hell she deserved the job. And I must say her training as a Bastard (or Bitch) SysAdmin is coming along fairly well. Just a few hiccups in where Lyn thought she was right, but more importantly I was wrong. That’s where the moron twins come in.
Lyn kept requesting interns to help her keep up with her new responsibilities and I kept telling her that she needed to work on her time management skills. So finally I gave in and decided to let Lyn learn all about time management the hard way. I approved two intern positions. One entry level networking and one entry level programmer, both of whom Lyn would hire and manage along with all her other responsibilities.
Now even though the department managers report to Lyn I decreed that the interns Lyn hired would report to her and her alone.
“We’ll thanks everyone for being on time. I have a fairly short agenda today, so let’s start with you Lyn. What has your new team been working on this week?”
“All areas are moving forward with the accounting system upgrade. There was a small glitch with the database last week but development stepped up and addressed the issues. I believe the project is back on schedule”.
Lyn looks at the operations manager who confirms that even though her new developer intern, not only deleted the entire dev system database, and the source database itself, the project was indeed back on schedule.
Looking at the operations manager I inquired if there were any infrastructure problems I needed to be aware of, or anything that may adversely affect the current project or production environment.
I knew that Daryl (the networking intern) had dumped a core switch and had barely escaped the datacenter with his life. Lyn gave the young one the task of reviewing the network switch configurations and ensuring that the corresponding documentation was up to date. Now I don’t know why the operations manager didn’t Kill Lyn for giving the intern a RW account. But hey it’s all about time management.
Anyway, Daryl and his other brother Daryl are staring at the floor, Lyn is holding up fairly well and my other two managers seem to be plotting a mutiny. Now as a director one must be a little savvier when being a total bastard. Plus both my ops and dev guys are top notch. I can’t keep f__king with Lyn at their expense with out some form of repayment.
“O.K.” I say standing up from my desk. “As I’m sure you’ve all heard – planning for the annual company outing is in the works. As usual all employees are expected to attend and overtime is authorized for the event. In other words, you will attend the event”.
I make my way to the door and everyone rises to leave. As I open the door I look at my dev manager and say:
“Except your guys and ops, they need to be on call to monitor the monitors and you two need to be here in town in case I need you to come in. Myself, Lyn and her new interns will attend and represent the IT department”.
Both manager’s smile and nod on the way out. Daryl and Daryl scurry out to wherever they came from and I shut the door before Lyn can leave.
“You were right, I was wrong – I can’t manage all department heads, my responsibilities and those two…”
Before Lyn could say another word I cut her off.
“Not to worry Lynnie, we’re going to have fun with this one. Go tell the other managers that the two interns now report directly to them. And see if we have any of that remote surveillance stuff from the old building in the basement stacks”.
We’ve got some planning to do…
Original Story by dinowuff for TheTAZZone/TAZForum…all rights reserved.