0600 Saturday morning and I get back to my house, walk into my living room, and turn on my Sharp 65″ AQUOS LCD HDTV, (Model LC65D90U). Crank Surround Sound and pop in Space Balls the movie. Something about going straight to ludicrous speed always cracks me up. I pop downstairs to the basement and log onto the Springfield city department of public works internal web site. I place an install order to connect to a Mr. Rodger L, Asshole (my boss) at 4387 Langdon Ave. NE to city sewage. See the boss is in a fight with the city about having to pay city workers to connect to city sewage and remove the current septic system. He claims; correctly, that he can contract the job out for half the cost. Oh well – no need for the court system, I’ll just settle the matter. Boss will be connected to city sewage in 8 weeks.
I pop over to my main SAN and create a standalone VM. Then I start to query the archive email server for anything I may have missed during my brief stay at the office this morning.
While the query is running, I try to log onto the security cameras at my works parking ramp. Nope! Cameras are still off. I begin to copy the last 8 hours from the security camera video storage array to my local SAN. I know it will take a few hours, but video editing over the WAN is a pain in the butt.
“NO go straight to ludicrous speed” HAHAHAHAHAHA I run up stairs just in time to see Space Ball I go to plaid. The home phone rings and being in Bastard Mode I answer.
“Space Ball City, how can I help you?”
“The consultants say they can’t fix the system that you must have…”
What a moron. Well at least I know the consultants are gone. I unplug the home phone and head over to the fridge. I notice a few micro brews on the bottom shelf. I grab one and a bag of Cheese Whirls; sit down in the living room and finish watching the movie.
0900 and both beers are gone. I head down stairs and notice that both my query and video download have completed. Nice, I start on the video. Not a whole lot of stuff. Boss and Rhonda pull in at 18:30; big boss gets there at 21:00. Now that’s strange, what the hell were they doing for three and a half hours? Trying to install stuff without admin rights? 22:46 the three other consultants show up. They’re met by Rhonda who seems to be quite agitated. She’s been listening to the boss for a while so I’m pretty sure that’s the case. Rhonda leads the three in then returns to her car and pulls out of the ramp. Returning 45 minutes later, Rhonda re enters the building. 01:02 boss and big boss are in the parking lot having a HUGE argument. Probably about who should call me. That’s great; these shots will do just fine. Oh even better the boss trips and falls on Rhonda’s car on the way back in.
Now I’m not going to get into the difficulty of modifying video tapes, suffice to say I now have video of Boss and Rhonda screaming at each other ending with the Boss pushing Rhonda down on her car and what looks like an action that could be interpreted as sexual assault. The altered video goes on to show Rhonda getting up and driving away while the boss just stands there yelling and waiving his hands towards Rhonda’s car. This is followed by Rhonda’s return 45 minutes and shortly followed by boss and big boss having a screaming match in the garage. I merge a few of the frames where boss is behind Rhonda (who’s bent over the car) and create the illusion of a more “Happy – consensual” event. I save that as a jpg. The only reason I mention the difficulty of modifying video is the time stamps are off. However, they are not displayed by default.
I check to see what all was returned by the query I ran earlier. It seems that this little install is not only a secret shared only by my boss and his boss. But that Rhonda and my boss’ boss are “Close”. So I save the little email from my boss to his boss titled “Conflict of Interest”. Man how stupid can you be?
I copy all the information on the unauthorized installation and purchase of unauthorized software into a neat little folder and upload it to my hidden file server. I then replace the video on the security cameras storage array.
Off to work. I park in front of the building and enter via the visitor entrance. I make my way to the datacenter, seeing the lights have been turned off, I enter. I turn the parking ramp security cameras on and the front security cameras off. I also erase the front security camera back to 18:45 Friday night.
After removing that stupid software; restoring security templates and activating needed accounts, I power off all printers in the building. Then I send all files, stored on my hidden print server, to every printer in the building. For kicks and giggles, I send 5 copies each.
Before I leave, I change the pass code and ACL to the datacenter. Leaving the datacenter, I get that oh so familiar feeling of a good dump coming on. I walk up to the front offices, go into the CIO’s private office and take a magnificent dump in his private bathroom. I do not flush.
Well it’s Saturday night and I’m in a drinking mood. I hop in my car and head downtown, on the way I call a few of my programming buddies – we’re going bar hopping. I wonder what my bosses are doing tonight. I know what they will be doing Monday morning…
Original Story by dinowuff for TheTAZZone/TAZForum…all rights reserved.