Sure as the sun rises, I get to work Monday morning and there are 10 voice mail messages from the front desk. Lynnette, my ever so skilled TIER I helper – now secretary, gives me one of those “You fucking bastard” looks as she enters my office.
“Mr. Morgan, the receptionist called and said that there are 9 people in the front lobby waiting to meet you and she has been inundated with phone calls since seven this morning”.
“And your point”?
“Well I guess you are interviewing for the sysadmin position, but no one knew that you were interviewing today”.
“O.K., So what’s your point”? As Lynn turns to shut the door to my office, I know she’s about to loose all professional demeanor. That’s why she could never be a bastard, but between you and me – she can be one serious bitch.
“Jesus Christ, Dino, you can’t just hold interviews without informing H.R., the front desk and me. What am I supposed to do now? There are 9 clueless idiots out there and I’m sure what ever you did over the weekend, there will be more”!
“Lynnie, LYNnieeieeeeee. Not to worry”. She hates it when I call her lynnie, but sometimes it’s all about being a bastard – on every possible level. Turning on bastard mode, I begin to formulate a working plan. I need to get all applicants into one space. I need to check my email and see if any of the idiots in the lobby actually replied to my email sent last Friday. And foremost I need to ensure that any applicant that shows bastard potential doesn’t get hammered – too hard.
Logging onto my network I start querying my work and hotmail accounts. I call the operator and ask her if she would direct the applicants to the north conference room. I explain to her that I notified H.R. about today’s interviews and promised that I would get to the bottom of why she was not informed. I call the H.R. guy and complain that I had scheduled the north conference room for today’s interviews and that the receptionist did not follow policy in regards to scheduling conference rooms via the online calendar function. I also let him know that I adjusted the schedule for the rooms and that, maybe, the receptionist just made a simple mistake. *pufft* that will put them in an inter-department fight ending in “WTF are we fighting about? Weak minds think alike and if you want to find weak minds, just look to your local human resources department.
Note to self. Try to remember HR guy’s name.
Armed with my emails, resumes and cross-reference checks, I enter the north conference room. First things first, I need a real bitch.
“Lynn, would you do me a favor and pre screen the idiots in the North Conference room? I’ll give you Friday and Monday off and let you audit the phone switch logs! Please?”
Now Lynn may not be proficient in handling interviews; but she has an uncanny ability to recognize talent when it comes to IT skills. And she recognized me as a true Bastard from the start. Even before I started cleaning house all those many months ago.
Lynn agrees and I watch as she gathers her ‘lists’. There is an acute change in her attitude as she turns from secretary to royal bitch. I drop an Audio Bug Mini Wireless FM Radio Transmitter next to Lynn’s laptop. Back in my office, I hear Lynn ripping the souls out of the morons. The clueless morons that – ‘Soon will wish to be in Hells fire timelessly, forever, with boiling water to drink, which lacerates their bowels’… Or in other words, Lynn – The bitch, has just screwed them. So let it be written so let it be a start up script.
11:00 A.M. my phone rings and it’s Lynn.
“Mr. Morgan? There are two applicants in the conference room ready to interview with you”.
“Thank you Lynn, please let them know that I’ll be there shortly”.
Over the past hour, HR Guy, Operator, and an admin from another corresponding data center calls. HR Guy is confused, Operator wants to know where I should send the latest applicant and admin guy needs to know which router he should use to attach a new web site.
Tempted to tell him he should use the internal front side router, I digress and consider the task at hand.
“Mr. Davies. You responded to an email that clearly stated not to reply. What makes you feel you are qualified for this position? Further more you indicated that you know the answer to ‘Life, The Universe, and Everything’. So what’s the answer?
“Mr. Morgan, the answer transcends the…
“Excuse me” I interrupt, “Either you know the answer or you do not.”
“Well I guess the answer is…”
“You Guess? Good-bye Mr. Davies. Never apply for an IT position again.”
The next applicant has what I define as Skiddie skills. Even though Lynn has dispatched the initial 9 individuals, I inform her that there are still two left, and one has l337 skills. Within minutes Lynn joins me in the conference room for a two on one Bastard-Bitch interview.
I begin with the normal formalities.
“Good Morning Mr. Wellington. My name is Dino and this is my assistant Lynn. Can you tell me a little about yourself and why you believe you have the skill set needed to perform the duties listed”.
“Yes, well my full name is Ingram Phate Wellington. I’m 32, single and live at home with my Mother, Father and Sister”.
“Let me guess, you have a room in the basement”?
I give Lynn the evil eye, It’s true this wannabe is most certainly going to be the entertainment of the day, but it’s a little to early in the process. I’m about to interject when Ingram responds without hesitation.
‘True, but I have never posed as a 15 year old cheerleader on line, and I don’t have a MySpace account”.
Ohh BURN, I think to myself. A bold move in the interview process, could I have been mistaken?
“So to your skill set, your resume reflects that you have extensive knowledge with Citrix, Microsoft SQL server, Apache, and Borland DB2”?
That’s one odd combination.
“Yes Sir. My last position was a Citrix Administrator…”
Not to bore you with the details, suffice to say, I will be checking references and job history. Anyone who remembers DB2 gets a call back in my book.
Now I’m about to cut Lynn loose on the guy and lead in with, “Mr. Wellington, how did you hear about this position”?
“A college of mine showed me your email listing the sysadmin position and the statement not to respond. To be honest, I just wanted to know what would happen if I did”.
O.K. So Lynn won’t get a chance – at this time. A possible candidate sits in my mist. Let’s see how stupid this guy is.
As a final task, I ask Phate if – (I can’t stand the name Wellington, sounds too ‘Are you being served-ish’) he would be willing to do a pen test on one of my honey pots and bring his findings to our next meeting. I explain that I will check his references and work history, and will share my findings at that time. Phate agrees, as long as he gets written permission from me and at least one company officer. I agree and instruct Lynn to type up the necessary document and have the CFO sign the thing and return it here A.S.A.P.
Lynn returns with the document and I end the interview asking Lynn if she has any last questions.
Lynn says, “Yes only one…”
“Forty Two” Replies Phate and with that I sign the pen test documentation and add the following information:
Phate, you must at least discover the address of the companies test site. All I will give you is the possible IP range.
And a hint, unless it a HFS or FATX filesystems, you’re on the wrong box. Any NTFS filesystem running IIS can be scanned and exploited in any manner or form.
Please bring your findings next Monday at 11:30 a.m. sharp. I will meet you in the front lobby at that time.
Original Story by dinowuff for TheTAZZone/TAZForum…all rights reserved.