TheTAZZone - Internet Chaos

The Bastard SysAdmin Returns – Part I

Why do I try? I am a personable individual. I care. I feel for my common man. Everyone should be able to understand and use technology. I will help everyone.

*ARGGGGGGGG* *SCREAM* Cold sweats. Talk about night terrors.

The last few nights I have awoken from nightmares in where I am at some touchy-feely “cum-by-yha” group camp type thing. It’s a good thing my phone rang to wake me from the dream – I’ll just maim the idiot calling me. Least I can do since the luser did end my nightmare. Turns out it’s not a luser calling me, it’s my network.

See, whenever any admin account is changed, my cell phone rings. Now I don’t like to admit this but I have one of those Windows Mobil pda phone things. So I see the administrator account has changed, and know I didn’t do it. I quickly launch a SSL connection to the network and see that my two bosses are logged on. Since they don’t have VPN accounts (that work after 10:30 p.m.) I know they are in the office. I launch a Perl script that changes security templates on the windows DC’s thus disabling all admin accounts (except mine) and all sorts of other things. I think ADC is disabled also – hey there goes email.

It’s 0300 Saturday Morning, and some idiot is trying to mess with my network. Even though, whoever it is wont be able to do anything – because the whole damn network is disabled, might as well go in seeing how I don’t want to go back to camp touchy feel.

I stop at the local barf and puke and get a sandwich to go. Now I know it’s zero dark thirty, but What THE FUCK? I did not ask for diet coke. /me throws diet coke out the window into a passing car. That will teach them to keep their windows rolled up! WINDOWS ARGGGGGGGGGUH

I am getting increasingly angrier. At least the latest Install has gone PERFECT! Yea, who’s the man, I am – I am, dance of joy proceeds in brain. I pull into the parking ramp and notice 8 cars parked in the ramp. And one of the cars is parked in MY SPOT! I got that spot after the company controller expressed “interest” in my IT purchases. Poor guy lost his wife, kids, job and freedom. Got to love those online sex offenders’ lists and the idiot D.B.A.’s that run them. That reminds me. There should be a global link between the NIS and European databases. To do: Ensure FBI database credentials are still in tact.

Entering the west end of the building I see the glow from my date center illuminating the darkness. “Hum”, I say aloud to no one, I know I turned the lights off when I left. Entering the data center the first thing I see is my boss’s boss sweating profusely. Three other guys are running from monitor to monitor trying to… Do something. My boss is in the corner trying to manipulate his palm pilot for; again, unknown reasons.

With a calm but “All Knowing” voice I announce: “What are you doing”? The banter ceases and all eyes are on me. Good. At least they won’t all die instantly.

Someone comes forward and introduces herself.

“I am Rhonda (something). I am a Certified Microsoft blah blah blah”.

“Hello Rhonda, what are you doing here”?

“I’m respon…”

“She’s here to complete the failed upgrade you performed last weekend” Interrupts the boss.

“You mean the one that worked perfect all last week? The one that saved your ass from being fired? Now unless I know what it is you are attempting, I can’t help.

“You will help or you are out of a job MISTER”

Oh yea, hollow threats. And what’s with this mister shit? I don’t reply and find Rhonda. The Big boss is nowhere to be found and my boss has gone back to his corner, thinking I’m about to help.

Rhonda explains that her company was hired to come in and install some kind of home grown software that supposedly monitors employee network usage, emails whatever. They tried installing it with my Boss’ user ID but of course he doesn’t have admin rights on his X-Box, much less the network. So she explained that she changed the administrator password and then in about 25 minutes somehow file, print, and DNS services just shut down and disabled themselves one by one. That’s what the other guys are running about trying to figure out, but none of the accounts they have can access the event logs.

Well, now that I know no damage has been done or can be done, I sit down at my desk and start reading archived copies of last weeks email. Seems while I was busy with my upgrade, the boss was busy contracting this company to install SPY software. Oh and look here, he didn’t get approval from upper management. Oh Oh look! A word.doc from my boss to his boss saying to the effect, if asked just tell them that you knew nothing about this install.

Well I quietly turn on a little known print server, pack up my laptop and head over to the corner where my boss is hiding.

“Listen” I say in a most condescending voice. “You’re the idiot who bought this shit, you fix it” I’m going home, do not call me, do not swing by my house. I will be in around 9 or 10 Monday morning”.

The boss thinks for a second and yells you’re fired as I walk out the datacenter room door. On my way out I turn off the lights and the parking lot security cameras.

I’m going to really enjoy my weekend!

Original Story by dinowuff for TheTAZZone/TAZForum…all rights reserved.

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