Monday morning, zero dark thirty. The weekend is still kind of a blur. I remember something about either dropping my PDA into my beer glass while taking a leek, or maybe peeing in my beer glass while flushing my PDA down the toilet. I open my eyes completely and realize that I am at home, in my bed. I wonder where my car is. Where is my phone? Who is this in bed with me?
The answer to these and many other questions will be answered after I get some coffee.
In the kitchen I put “the kettle on”. Actually, I just press the on button on Mr. Coffee but put the kettle on sounds better. Coffee is brewing and the sun is just now peeking over the horizon. I open the front door to grab the morning paper and notice my car parked nicely in the drive way. Note to self: One of these days your luck will run out.
I sit down at the kitchen table with a hot cup of joe and glance at the days paper. I’m not really reading it, rather trying to put the past two day’s events in order. Ok Friday night I go out drinking with Steve and Jake. We hit the all the College bars and I remember getting pissed at my phone, but why? That’s right – it kept ringing. There was a group of women at the table next to us. They were having a pre bachelorette – bachelorette party. Now it’s coming back to me.
Saturday night, Jake, Steve and I close the bar and exchange phone numbers with the women at the table next to us. We then took a taxi to Steve’s house and pass out. Sunday we just hung around playing CS:Source and trying to decide who should call the “chicks” we met last night. Finally we decided that Steve was the least drunk and would have the best chance at not coming off as a complete asshead. Steve called the number given to him by someone claiming to be Rhonda. Amazingly, Rhonda answers the phone and after a short conversation Steve says that Rhonda is going to call her friends and then call him back. Jake and I have killed Steve and since he was on our team, he cannot re join the game. Being the bastard I am, “Frag your buddy” is the only attitude needed when playing Counter Strike. Anyway, Steve was a little pissed but no one cared. Then a good point was raised. What if the girls are ugly? Or worse, fugly?
Shit. Now I’m scared to go back into my bed room.
O.K. So what happened last night? I remember Rhonda called Steve and asked him if we would like to meet up with her and her friends from the bar last night. Steve says yes, without asking if we wanted to – like he needed to ask.
Everyone was supposed to meet a Julie’s house at 8. On the drive there Steve calls Rhonda and gets the run down. Julie is married and is also Rhonda’s best friend. Julie thinks I’m cute and Rhonda’s fiancé is a short, bald, fat, rich guy. Too much information but hey, sometimes you just have to listen to the drivel.
We parked on the street in front of Julie’s house and walked to the front door. Rhonda opened the door before we can knock. She’s been crying and asked us to come in. Inside we found all the girls huddled on the couch in the living room. I remember thinking, Oh GREAT, a tear feast. WTF have we gotten our selves into? What? Have these chicks all been sitting around all afternoon watching ‘Beaches’?
Before anyone could say anything, Julie stood up and announced “Fuck HIM! Let’s get this party started”.
So off we went to the bar for a night of drunken debauchery. Julie began to tell me that her and her friends were at the mall and were going to see a movie. But instead, decided to go back to her house and watch some DVD’s. Upon returning home, Julie and her friends were greeted with the site of Julie’s husband getting busy (doggie style) with the neighbor lady on the staircase. Julie continues to describe the scene and recanting all the screaming and yelling and blah, blah, blah. I tried to listen as much as possible and act as if I cared, but I didn’t. Trying to change the subject I began to recant the events of Friday last and another girl named Rhonda, when…
OH SHIT! Rhonda, the boss, the software and cameras! How could I have forgotten that?
It’s now 07:47 am and I need to get dressed. I run back to my bedroom to get my “Professional” clothes and head into the bathroom. Noticing the lump in my bed, I decide to be as quiet a possible. I don’t need any distractions. I quickly shower and get dressed. Standing at the mirror tying my tie a question is posed.
“Did you mean what you said last night”?
Now I have no idea what I said, hopefully it wasn’t ‘I love you’ but now’s not the time to worry about that.
“Of course I meant what I said”.
Now that may have been the first mistake I’ve made in the past 11 years, but the games a foot and I have no time to deal with drunken promises / declarations of love.
“I have some very important things I have to do at work and I don’t have any time to talk this morning. How about we discuss things tonight over dinner? I lost my phone, so you can’t call me. I’ll be here about three of four – six at the latest”.
I walk straight out of the bedroom, avoiding any eye contact with the lump in my bed and make a bee line for the door. Leaving no chance for questions or comments from lump lady, I think the open ended answer will save my butt if necessary.
Having, quite possibly, broken the worlds land speed record on my way to work. I arrive at the parking ramp at exactly 08:58. I walk into my office at 09:00 and at 09:01 the director of human resources and head of security (that’s building security) walk into my office.
“Mr. Morgan”, States the HR director. “I’m sure you know Tony”
“Sure do, what can I do for you guys”?
“Well it seems that there was some activity here over the weekend and we just want to get to the bottom of it”.
“Bottom of what, was there a break-in, Tony”?
“We don’t think so but we want to check the security tapes”.
“Sure no problem, let’s go to the data center. We can review the archives from there”.
As we walk to the data center, I notice that everyone seems to be calm and it’s not exactly what I expected. And that dick head in sales looks at me and smiles. Oh no – someone has a plan! Evil laugh rings in my head.
I explain how I need to reorient the data stream from the camera to a video stream in order to correctly view yesterdays history. I’m then asked if I could go back as far as last Friday night. I say sure, but it will take a little more time to adjust the data stream for that much data.
Logging onto the video system click click click, a itty bitty bat file starts spewing worthless characters on the screen. I tell Tony this may take a while. It will actually take 4.7 minutes.
While Tony and the HR guy are whispering to each other and watching the monitor, I walk over to another workstation and reset the data center pass code and ACL back to what they were Friday. Tony asks me what I’m doing and I reply that I’m monitoring the data stream conversion. Dummy mode on.
I review the morning’s security logs and delete all entries where my boss and his boss have frantically tried to access the data center. I also check the print queue of my little friend and see it’s empty. I turn that print server off.
Just about the time I’m finished my boss bursts into the data center yelling, “Don’t touch anything you little bastard, I fired you Friday night”.
Bastard? I think to myself. Yup you got that right. And actually it was Saturday morning you mental midget.
“What are you talking about – Friday Night”? You said you were going to perform some kind of maintenance over the weekend when I left at 4 on Friday? That I should just take the weekend off since I did such a great job on the upgrade”. “Are you feeling alright”?
“You little fuck; you aren’t going to get away with your shit this time”, proclaims the boss with a soon to be short lived sense of pride.
I ignore the boss and fire up the video software. I search back to 16:00 Friday afternoon and hit play. Hey look it’s me getting into my car – time index 16:18. I fast forward and watch the parking lot empty out. Nothing strange until 18:30, the Director of HR pipes up.
All heads look at my boss. I don’t slow down the playback speed and then with a surprised voice I say,
“Hey what’s this”? I put playback to normal and we all watch as my Boss screams at Rhonda, I ask who the chick is, but before he can reply the video playback shows Rhonda fending off an attack by the boss.
The rest of the tape is reviewed and HR guy asks Tony and the boss to follow him to his office. HR Director says thank you and asks me to stay in the data center until he comes and gets me.
What Luck, alone in my data center – super dummy mode on. I wave to my red faced boss as he gives me the evil eye on his way out. I log into the mail server and see that my boss’s boss has been fired for misuse of company resources and that I am the prime suspect for attempting to cover up the unauthorized install. Not to worry, the only thing that makes me a suspect is the emails and contracts that printed out this morning. No worries, I create a print log and modify the log so idiot in sales and marketing sent the thing to the printers. I also, move my evidence folder to his home directory.
Thirty minutes later the HR director brings me to the executive board room. The CEO, CFO an Executive Vice President, Tony and the boss are all there and ask me to sit down.
I again explain how the boss had given me the weekend off and was not in the building all weekend. My boss tried to explain he couldn’t get into the data center as was evident this morning when neither he nor Tony could get in to stop the print jobs. It was at that point that Tony said, “Well, I don’t know what code you were using, but once you saw Mr. Morgan in the data center, you got in just fine”. By now I know my mental midget boss’ mind is reeling. He looks as if he’s going to pass out, so I throw him a bone.
“Maybe we can find out who printed the documents. I do have logs, they don’t go back very far because the constantly over write themselves. But we might get lucky”.
Once again in the data center; Tony, HR guy and I look at the print log and discover that sales and marketing guy had sent the documents. I explained how it looked like he was having problems and was not trying to expose anything. We found the files in his network drive and I told everyone I couldn’t explain any other way for those to get there unless some one emailed them to him.
This activity went on for a few hours. After which I was asked to look at the front security tapes. Tony discovered the boss entered the building Saturday night via the employee entrance. I was sorry to report that the video images had been erased.
I didn’t see the boss for the rest of the day. I figured that he’d been escorted out the front door. I did watch sales and marketing guy be escorted out the back door to an awaiting police car; stealing company documents and bribery charges – at least that’s my guess.
Around 14:00 I was called to the HR department where I was handed an offer letter for the position of Director of Information Technologies. I told them that I really enjoyed my current position, but I would take the rest of the day off to consider the offer.
Driving home I contemplated dropping by the Boss’ place, but figured I’d save that for another time. As I turned on to my street, I noticed a strange car parked in my driveway. Not thinking too much of it I opened my front door and was meet with a strange smell. Food, cooking food; fresh cooking food – not that microwave food smell.
Going into the Kitchen I found the source of the smell. Walking into the living room I found the reason for the smell. It was Julie, lump lady. Apparently last night I told her she could crash at my place until she files for divorce and can get her own place.
We did the usual small talk. Then as she walked into the kitchen to work on dinner she paused, placed her on my shoulder and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I asked her what that was for, and she said:
“Just for being so nice to me”. I turned and gazed into her emerald green eyes and shrugged.
“No biggie, just don’t take this to mean we’re going to take warm showers together or long walks on the beach”.
We both laughed and spent the rest of the evening quoting Client Eastwood movie lines and generally goofing around. Towards the end of dinner, Julie told me she forgot to tell me Rhonda had called earlier. She wanted Julie to tell me that my HR director had called her to apologize for the events that happened Friday night. And that whatever I did must have really been the work of a true bastard.
Talk about a small world.
Original Story by dinowuff for TheTAZZone/TAZForum…all rights reserved.